JAKOBIAN JOURNALISM

 A new study has found that your genetics will completely control your dating life. People who possess the "Maidenless Allele" are more than 100% less likely to find a successful date . This allele, while originally uncommon, has made a resurgence from 2016 onwards and seen many people live and die in a state of complete loneliness.  Those who inherit this allele have no chance of being in a relationship if the allele is expressed. Due to it being a genetic issue, there is no cure. There is solace however, in the fact that those with the allele will find it difficult to reproduce so we may see this allele disappear in a few decades. 

It was at 10:13pm on the outskirts of Perth, Australia when a large metal mole-rat not only objected to a marriage, but did so by devouring the groom. The mole-rat, known as as the AIRMR Robert-Muncher  was created by the disgruntled cannery worker, Will Willy Williams who felt jilted after the bride refused his marriage proposal in 2018. Williams started work on the  AIRMR Robert-Muncher in 2019. The robot had the sole purpose of objecting to the wedding by eating Robert Jones, the groom and former friend of Williams. A real life mole-rat, the  AIRMR Robert-Muncher was very similar to this, but metal.  In this endeavour it was successful and when the celebrant asked for any objections, the robot launched from the motorised wheelchair of its inventor and proceeded to maul Jones. The angry wedding guests attacked Williams, throwing his wheelchair off the nearby cliff, but by that point the damage was done. Jones was devoured and his body converted into canned spaghett...

 In one of his first acts as King, Charles III has had the infamous salmon, Peter Tate, put to death for treason. A Sockeye Salmon similar to the treasonous Peter Tate. Peter Tate was a large Sockeye Salmon ( Oncorhynchus nerka ) that was well known for his misogynistic views and his hatred of the British Royal Family. As a British citizen, Peter Tate was a firm supporter of Brexit and is rumoured to have had an affair with Margaret Thatcher in 1980.  Tate has always despised the Royal family since Elizabeth II, who was well known for her love of angling, reeled in and consumed his lover in 1964. From this moment, Tate despised the British Royal Family as well as all human women on the planet, with the exceptions of Thatcher and Ariana Grande. Tate conspired to kill the Queen, and although the monarch died of natural causes before he could do anything, he celebrated and claimed that he was responsible for her death. Travelling to London to flop around on the streets, he was se...

 The Vegan Association Going Into a New Age (V.A.G.I.N.A) recently resorted to violence in what was supposed to be a peaceful protest. The incident occurred in Amsterdam, in the Netherlands on the 7th of September 2022. Members of V.A.G.I.N.A formed a column, and waving their banners, advanced towards the city center. On they way there, they stopped to yell at the local butcher, a Mr Edmond Van Dijk. In the chaos in confusion, the elderly Van Dijk accidentally dropped his cleaver on a protesters foot, wounding a teenager.  At this, the members of V.A.G.I.N.A flew into a rage, pulling the elderly butcher apart and eating his flesh raw in the name of veganism. They then proceeded to enter his home and sacrifice all five of his young grandchildren, with their mother barely able to escape by hiding in the clothes dryer. However, while in the Van Dijk house, they accidentally released the four metre long saltwater crocodile in his basement, which fled into the canals and now p...

 In late 2021, a US drone took images of at least 140 walruses ( Odobenus rosmarus ) that had travelled from the Arctic (most likely Norway) seeking work and ended up joining the Taliban, due to a lack of walrus-suitable jobs elsewhere.  The likely route taken by the walruses from Norway to Afghanistan These walruses were readily accepted into the ranks of the Taliban and our spies inform us that they have been given large suits of armour, allowing them to act as improvised tanks. However, their mobility on land is questionable to say the least, although the fact they crossed Europe to reach the Taliban shows that they are not to be underestimated. Stolen blueprints for the armoured walrus Our spies also report that as of September 2022, 47 out of ~140 walruses have been equipped with this armour, which makes them largely invulnerable to conventional weaponry. There is a possible link to the Decabrachia in this story as well, as they had three opportunities to make contact wit...

 An elderly woman by the name of Jane Reeston has made an enormous breakthrough in pharmaceutical science. Reeston (aged 94) was diagnosed with cancer of the spleen in 2005, and moved from Australia to Hawaii to spend the rest of her life in comfort. It was there that she discovered the healing power of lava: 'I found that if I put lava in this syringe and injected it into my spleen, the pain from the tumour went away!' says the senior citizen.  This is such a genius and revolutionary idea that will completely change the way we deal with cancer. Lava is 100% natural and extremely easy to obtain, so if you live near a volcano we definitely recommend using this method. In fact, 100% of doctors recommend you should surprise an ill loved one by injecting lava into their veins while they sleep, so they can wake up feeling fresh and well. Lava - The easily available resource that is proven to cure every disease known to man Scientists also have found that putting a teaspoon of lava ...

Recently, some military historians have found evidence of a former messenger pigeon going rogue and dropping poison gas on both German and French lines in WWI. The pigeon, named Jimothy Fealton, was born on the 8th of April 1912. He began his career as a racing pigeon, with varying degrees of success. On the outbreak of war in 1914, Fealton became a messenger pigeon for the British Expeditionary Force, successfully delivering many important messages during his military career. However, in Battle of Passchendaele in 1917, Fealton was stunned by a nearby explosion and went AWOL. He was to return in February 1918, although by this point, he had gone rogue and would drop unexploded gas shells indiscriminately on both German and British lines. These horrific attacks would kill hundreds of soldiers and maim many more. Eventually, his reign of terror was ended on the 20 th  of May 1918, when he was shot down by French flying ace René Fonck. Fonck poses for a photo after successf...

 INTRODUCTION:  Every year, 7.5 hundred million children are killed by eating a banana sideways. This is more than three times the population of Albania and represents the greatest threat to mankind since sliced bread created the great depression in 1924.   QUESTION:  How can this scourge on humanity be stopped? How can we save the children? And Albania?  METHOD:  The answer is simple - We must dilute the ocean, and this is how:  1. We increase carbon emissions, melting the polar ice caps and diluting the oceans with what is most likely fresh water.  2. Everybody turns their taps on and transports the water to the ocean in buckets.  3. All fire trucks will line up on the coastline and spray all their water into the sea.  4. All rivers and lakes will be relocated to the ocean.  5. Everyone stands in the ocean and cries, using their tears to dilute the ocean, while wearing coffee filters on their eyes.  6. All hoses will be ...

 Recently I have found out a terrifying truth - The trend of going vegan has become popular with the African Lion ( Panthera leo ) population. This has potentially devastating impacts on the ecosystem and the entire world. NOTE : This graph excludes the small population of lions in Asia, which we all know have been involved in the opium trade since 1854. As can be seen in this graph, the number of lions involved in agriculture has seen a dramatic increase since humans began to survey lions in 1700. This is potentially devastating, as lions are apex predators and vital for a functioning ecosystem anywhere on the planet (including in your intestines, where they eat your multiple tapeworms). If all lions go vegan, this will allow the zebra and wildebeest populations they usually prey on to purchase arms from Russia. Think about all the harm a zebra with an assault rifle could do. Surely now, you understand the danger? We all know that the moral of Animal Farm is that pigs are evil, bu...

 Squid are the cause of world hunger. Millions of people are starving to death worldwide, and this is all due to the manipulation of the Upper-Class Squid. An example of this are the events currently occurring in South Sudan, where a civil war consumes the nation and many thousands die to war and starvation. The Upper-Class Squid are responsible for this war as they have been manipulating Sudanese going-ons since 1884. In the aftermath of the British Conquest of Sudan in 1884, the disgruntled squid formed a secret society, The Decabrachia, to control the country away from human scrutiny. The Decabrachia conducted illicit activities like human trafficking, even restarting the Trans-Atlantic Slave Trade. In 2017, they initiated a civil war in Sudan, hoping to create chaos and famine. This is so they may take over when Sudan is weak enough. The Decabrachia have already made deals with Putin for nuclear weapons and oil. Sudan is just a starting point for the Upper-Class Squid, as they ...