JAKOBIAN JOURNALISM

 A new study has found that your genetics will completely control your dating life. People who possess the "Maidenless Allele" are more than 100% less likely to find a successful date . This allele, while originally uncommon, has made a resurgence from 2016 onwards and seen many people live and die in a state of complete loneliness.  Those who inherit this allele have no chance of being in a relationship if the allele is expressed. Due to it being a genetic issue, there is no cure. There is solace however, in the fact that those with the allele will find it difficult to reproduce so we may see this allele disappear in a few decades. 

 An elderly woman by the name of Jane Reeston has made an enormous breakthrough in pharmaceutical science. Reeston (aged 94) was diagnosed with cancer of the spleen in 2005, and moved from Australia to Hawaii to spend the rest of her life in comfort. It was there that she discovered the healing power of lava: 'I found that if I put lava in this syringe and injected it into my spleen, the pain from the tumour went away!' says the senior citizen.  This is such a genius and revolutionary idea that will completely change the way we deal with cancer. Lava is 100% natural and extremely easy to obtain, so if you live near a volcano we definitely recommend using this method. In fact, 100% of doctors recommend you should surprise an ill loved one by injecting lava into their veins while they sleep, so they can wake up feeling fresh and well. Lava - The easily available resource that is proven to cure every disease known to man Scientists also have found that putting a teaspoon of lava ...