JAKOBIAN JOURNALISM

 In late 2021, a US drone took images of at least 140 walruses ( Odobenus rosmarus ) that had travelled from the Arctic (most likely Norway) seeking work and ended up joining the Taliban, due to a lack of walrus-suitable jobs elsewhere.  The likely route taken by the walruses from Norway to Afghanistan These walruses were readily accepted into the ranks of the Taliban and our spies inform us that they have been given large suits of armour, allowing them to act as improvised tanks. However, their mobility on land is questionable to say the least, although the fact they crossed Europe to reach the Taliban shows that they are not to be underestimated. Stolen blueprints for the armoured walrus Our spies also report that as of September 2022, 47 out of ~140 walruses have been equipped with this armour, which makes them largely invulnerable to conventional weaponry. There is a possible link to the Decabrachia in this story as well, as they had three opportunities to make contact wit...

 INTRODUCTION:  Every year, 7.5 hundred million children are killed by eating a banana sideways. This is more than three times the population of Albania and represents the greatest threat to mankind since sliced bread created the great depression in 1924.   QUESTION:  How can this scourge on humanity be stopped? How can we save the children? And Albania?  METHOD:  The answer is simple - We must dilute the ocean, and this is how:  1. We increase carbon emissions, melting the polar ice caps and diluting the oceans with what is most likely fresh water.  2. Everybody turns their taps on and transports the water to the ocean in buckets.  3. All fire trucks will line up on the coastline and spray all their water into the sea.  4. All rivers and lakes will be relocated to the ocean.  5. Everyone stands in the ocean and cries, using their tears to dilute the ocean, while wearing coffee filters on their eyes.  6. All hoses will be ...