JAKOBIAN JOURNALISM

 In late 2021, a US drone took images of at least 140 walruses ( Odobenus rosmarus ) that had travelled from the Arctic (most likely Norway) seeking work and ended up joining the Taliban, due to a lack of walrus-suitable jobs elsewhere.  The likely route taken by the walruses from Norway to Afghanistan These walruses were readily accepted into the ranks of the Taliban and our spies inform us that they have been given large suits of armour, allowing them to act as improvised tanks. However, their mobility on land is questionable to say the least, although the fact they crossed Europe to reach the Taliban shows that they are not to be underestimated. Stolen blueprints for the armoured walrus Our spies also report that as of September 2022, 47 out of ~140 walruses have been equipped with this armour, which makes them largely invulnerable to conventional weaponry. There is a possible link to the Decabrachia in this story as well, as they had three opportunities to make contact wit...

 Recently I have found out a terrifying truth - The trend of going vegan has become popular with the African Lion ( Panthera leo ) population. This has potentially devastating impacts on the ecosystem and the entire world. NOTE : This graph excludes the small population of lions in Asia, which we all know have been involved in the opium trade since 1854. As can be seen in this graph, the number of lions involved in agriculture has seen a dramatic increase since humans began to survey lions in 1700. This is potentially devastating, as lions are apex predators and vital for a functioning ecosystem anywhere on the planet (including in your intestines, where they eat your multiple tapeworms). If all lions go vegan, this will allow the zebra and wildebeest populations they usually prey on to purchase arms from Russia. Think about all the harm a zebra with an assault rifle could do. Surely now, you understand the danger? We all know that the moral of Animal Farm is that pigs are evil, bu...

 Squid are the cause of world hunger. Millions of people are starving to death worldwide, and this is all due to the manipulation of the Upper-Class Squid. An example of this are the events currently occurring in South Sudan, where a civil war consumes the nation and many thousands die to war and starvation. The Upper-Class Squid are responsible for this war as they have been manipulating Sudanese going-ons since 1884. In the aftermath of the British Conquest of Sudan in 1884, the disgruntled squid formed a secret society, The Decabrachia, to control the country away from human scrutiny. The Decabrachia conducted illicit activities like human trafficking, even restarting the Trans-Atlantic Slave Trade. In 2017, they initiated a civil war in Sudan, hoping to create chaos and famine. This is so they may take over when Sudan is weak enough. The Decabrachia have already made deals with Putin for nuclear weapons and oil. Sudan is just a starting point for the Upper-Class Squid, as they ...