JAKOBIAN JOURNALISM

It was at 10:13pm on the outskirts of Perth, Australia when a large metal mole-rat not only objected to a marriage, but did so by devouring the groom. The mole-rat, known as as the AIRMR Robert-Muncher  was created by the disgruntled cannery worker, Will Willy Williams who felt jilted after the bride refused his marriage proposal in 2018. Williams started work on the  AIRMR Robert-Muncher in 2019. The robot had the sole purpose of objecting to the wedding by eating Robert Jones, the groom and former friend of Williams. A real life mole-rat, the  AIRMR Robert-Muncher was very similar to this, but metal.  In this endeavour it was successful and when the celebrant asked for any objections, the robot launched from the motorised wheelchair of its inventor and proceeded to maul Jones. The angry wedding guests attacked Williams, throwing his wheelchair off the nearby cliff, but by that point the damage was done. Jones was devoured and his body converted into canned spaghett...

 In one of his first acts as King, Charles III has had the infamous salmon, Peter Tate, put to death for treason. A Sockeye Salmon similar to the treasonous Peter Tate. Peter Tate was a large Sockeye Salmon ( Oncorhynchus nerka ) that was well known for his misogynistic views and his hatred of the British Royal Family. As a British citizen, Peter Tate was a firm supporter of Brexit and is rumoured to have had an affair with Margaret Thatcher in 1980.  Tate has always despised the Royal family since Elizabeth II, who was well known for her love of angling, reeled in and consumed his lover in 1964. From this moment, Tate despised the British Royal Family as well as all human women on the planet, with the exceptions of Thatcher and Ariana Grande. Tate conspired to kill the Queen, and although the monarch died of natural causes before he could do anything, he celebrated and claimed that he was responsible for her death. Travelling to London to flop around on the streets, he was se...

 The Vegan Association Going Into a New Age (V.A.G.I.N.A) recently resorted to violence in what was supposed to be a peaceful protest. The incident occurred in Amsterdam, in the Netherlands on the 7th of September 2022. Members of V.A.G.I.N.A formed a column, and waving their banners, advanced towards the city center. On they way there, they stopped to yell at the local butcher, a Mr Edmond Van Dijk. In the chaos in confusion, the elderly Van Dijk accidentally dropped his cleaver on a protesters foot, wounding a teenager.  At this, the members of V.A.G.I.N.A flew into a rage, pulling the elderly butcher apart and eating his flesh raw in the name of veganism. They then proceeded to enter his home and sacrifice all five of his young grandchildren, with their mother barely able to escape by hiding in the clothes dryer. However, while in the Van Dijk house, they accidentally released the four metre long saltwater crocodile in his basement, which fled into the canals and now p...

Recently, some military historians have found evidence of a former messenger pigeon going rogue and dropping poison gas on both German and French lines in WWI. The pigeon, named Jimothy Fealton, was born on the 8th of April 1912. He began his career as a racing pigeon, with varying degrees of success. On the outbreak of war in 1914, Fealton became a messenger pigeon for the British Expeditionary Force, successfully delivering many important messages during his military career. However, in Battle of Passchendaele in 1917, Fealton was stunned by a nearby explosion and went AWOL. He was to return in February 1918, although by this point, he had gone rogue and would drop unexploded gas shells indiscriminately on both German and British lines. These horrific attacks would kill hundreds of soldiers and maim many more. Eventually, his reign of terror was ended on the 20 th  of May 1918, when he was shot down by French flying ace René Fonck. Fonck poses for a photo after successf...