JAKOBIAN JOURNALISM

 In late 2021, a US drone took images of at least 140 walruses ( Odobenus rosmarus ) that had travelled from the Arctic (most likely Norway) seeking work and ended up joining the Taliban, due to a lack of walrus-suitable jobs elsewhere.  The likely route taken by the walruses from Norway to Afghanistan These walruses were readily accepted into the ranks of the Taliban and our spies inform us that they have been given large suits of armour, allowing them to act as improvised tanks. However, their mobility on land is questionable to say the least, although the fact they crossed Europe to reach the Taliban shows that they are not to be underestimated. Stolen blueprints for the armoured walrus Our spies also report that as of September 2022, 47 out of ~140 walruses have been equipped with this armour, which makes them largely invulnerable to conventional weaponry. There is a possible link to the Decabrachia in this story as well, as they had three opportunities to make contact wit...

Recently, some military historians have found evidence of a former messenger pigeon going rogue and dropping poison gas on both German and French lines in WWI. The pigeon, named Jimothy Fealton, was born on the 8th of April 1912. He began his career as a racing pigeon, with varying degrees of success. On the outbreak of war in 1914, Fealton became a messenger pigeon for the British Expeditionary Force, successfully delivering many important messages during his military career. However, in Battle of Passchendaele in 1917, Fealton was stunned by a nearby explosion and went AWOL. He was to return in February 1918, although by this point, he had gone rogue and would drop unexploded gas shells indiscriminately on both German and British lines. These horrific attacks would kill hundreds of soldiers and maim many more. Eventually, his reign of terror was ended on the 20 th  of May 1918, when he was shot down by French flying ace René Fonck. Fonck poses for a photo after successf...

 Recently I have found out a terrifying truth - The trend of going vegan has become popular with the African Lion ( Panthera leo ) population. This has potentially devastating impacts on the ecosystem and the entire world. NOTE : This graph excludes the small population of lions in Asia, which we all know have been involved in the opium trade since 1854. As can be seen in this graph, the number of lions involved in agriculture has seen a dramatic increase since humans began to survey lions in 1700. This is potentially devastating, as lions are apex predators and vital for a functioning ecosystem anywhere on the planet (including in your intestines, where they eat your multiple tapeworms). If all lions go vegan, this will allow the zebra and wildebeest populations they usually prey on to purchase arms from Russia. Think about all the harm a zebra with an assault rifle could do. Surely now, you understand the danger? We all know that the moral of Animal Farm is that pigs are evil, bu...