JAKOBIAN JOURNALISM

 The Vegan Association Going Into a New Age (V.A.G.I.N.A) recently resorted to violence in what was supposed to be a peaceful protest. The incident occurred in Amsterdam, in the Netherlands on the 7th of September 2022. Members of V.A.G.I.N.A formed a column, and waving their banners, advanced towards the city center. On they way there, they stopped to yell at the local butcher, a Mr Edmond Van Dijk. In the chaos in confusion, the elderly Van Dijk accidentally dropped his cleaver on a protesters foot, wounding a teenager.  At this, the members of V.A.G.I.N.A flew into a rage, pulling the elderly butcher apart and eating his flesh raw in the name of veganism. They then proceeded to enter his home and sacrifice all five of his young grandchildren, with their mother barely able to escape by hiding in the clothes dryer. However, while in the Van Dijk house, they accidentally released the four metre long saltwater crocodile in his basement, which fled into the canals and now p...

 Recently I have found out a terrifying truth - The trend of going vegan has become popular with the African Lion ( Panthera leo ) population. This has potentially devastating impacts on the ecosystem and the entire world. NOTE : This graph excludes the small population of lions in Asia, which we all know have been involved in the opium trade since 1854. As can be seen in this graph, the number of lions involved in agriculture has seen a dramatic increase since humans began to survey lions in 1700. This is potentially devastating, as lions are apex predators and vital for a functioning ecosystem anywhere on the planet (including in your intestines, where they eat your multiple tapeworms). If all lions go vegan, this will allow the zebra and wildebeest populations they usually prey on to purchase arms from Russia. Think about all the harm a zebra with an assault rifle could do. Surely now, you understand the danger? We all know that the moral of Animal Farm is that pigs are evil, bu...