THE BANANA PROBLEM AND HOW TO SOLVE IT

 INTRODUCTION: 

Every year, 7.5 hundred million children are killed by eating a banana sideways. This is more than three times the population of Albania and represents the greatest threat to mankind since sliced bread created the great depression in 1924.  

QUESTION: 

How can this scourge on humanity be stopped? How can we save the children? And Albania? 

METHOD: 

The answer is simple - We must dilute the ocean, and this is how: 

1. We increase carbon emissions, melting the polar ice caps and diluting the oceans with what is most likely fresh water. 

2. Everybody turns their taps on and transports the water to the ocean in buckets. 

3. All fire trucks will line up on the coastline and spray all their water into the sea. 

4. All rivers and lakes will be relocated to the ocean. 

5. Everyone stands in the ocean and cries, using their tears to dilute the ocean, while wearing coffee filters on their eyes. 

6. All hoses will be extended so they can reach the ocean. 

7. Everyone will wear coffee filters and piss into the ocean. 

8. All firefighting aircraft will be redirected to drop water on the ocean. 

9. Finally, using huge coffee filters, all fishing trawlers will collect the remaining salt in the ocean. 

After all the salt is collected, it shall be dried and prepared for the master stroke of the operation – We will salt the entire Earth (except for the ocean of course, this would be counterproductive). This will kill all banana trees and simultaneously prevent them from growing anywhere else in the world again, therefore saving billions of children as well as Albania. Although this results in 90% of all plant life on earth, as well as all saltwater creatures dying out, this is worth it. 

CONCLUSION: 

We cannot fully comprehend what our world will be like after this operation, but we can say, with some confidence, that it will affect the stock market.